1 in 4 club
Typed into Google search bar: Spotting 7 weeks pregnant
I was sitting in the downstairs bathroom at my dad’s house with a house full of people outside the door for my sister, Nicole’s birthday. No one knew I was pregnant except my husband, Brian. We planned to tell everyone next month when we were out of the “danger zone.” Being in the danger zone made my heart sink when I saw that red speck. It was only a small amount of blood and the articles I am scrolling through say things like, “not always a miscarriage” and “can be implantation bleeding.”
I finally came out of the bathroom and whispered to Brian that I had a little blood when I went to the bathroom. After we had the cake for my sister we left and sat in silence in the car. We were so excited about the pregnancy and were busting at the seams to tell people but decided to hold off because there is always a chance something could happen. This is that “something” that could wrong, and we both didn’t want to pacify each other. That night there was no more blood and I felt relieved. I went to work on Monday morning and felt fine. At 12PM I went to the bathroom and there was a little more blood than the day before. I immediately lost my breath. I looked in the mirror and asked “why” as I dialed the OBGYN office. They told me to come in immediately and conveniently, it was only downstairs from my office. The PA did a sonogram and saw the sac. I had already done a round of blood work because I was scheduled for my first prenatal visit on Wednesday. She read my labs and said my progesterone was a little low and she wanted me to take progesterone pills. I didn’t know if this was already a sign that things were going wrong. She told me that there was hope and that she would see me again Friday instead of Wednesday. She sent me for more blood work and told me to go home and rest. I stayed on my couch the whole night with the sonogram tucked in my blanket. It was my first ever sonogram. Not how I imagined it would be with Brian at my side beaming with happiness as we watched the monitor. Tuesday morning at 7:30AM the PA called with my blood work results while I was on my way to work. She said my levels didn’t triple as they should have or even double since my original blood work and that usually means it is not a viable pregnancy. I had to call and repeat that to Brian, and we were both devastated. I was at work and tried to act as normal as possible. I got through the day and crashed when I got home. I started bleeding like a period when I was getting ready for bed, so I slept with a pad on and a towel under me. I woke up in the morning soaked with blood. It went through my pajamas, underwear, pad, and towel. I was shaking, cold, crying and mortified. I had no idea what a miscarriage looked like or felt like. For me it was very traumatic and painful. I called the OBGYN and went with Brian to be examined. They don’t talk about the agony of sitting in a waiting room around pregnant women and moms with babies in strollers. I had my sorrow written all over my face. When I was called in, the sonogram tech did the sonogram, and I kept my eyes closed. I felt like if I didn’t look at the blank screen it wouldn’t be real for a little bit longer. When the doctor came in the room and he said “Hi. As you can see nothing is on the screen. You can begin trying again after 2 periods. Do you have any questions for me? Ok. Sorry again.” He only said sorry once even though he said “again.” Miscarriages are very common. 1 in 4 women will suffer from a miscarriage. I can imagine my doctor has dealt with this hundreds of times, but this was my first experience with loss, and I did not find comfort in his words. We left the doctor’s office and I walked up the stairs to my office to go to work. I had just gotten a promotion at work two weeks before and had too much on my plate to take the day off. I immersed myself in work and school and didn’t give myself time to heal at all. My spring semester began the day that I miscarried. I was taking a full-time load of classes, three nights a week, and one of those classes was Psych Statistics that I put off for so long because it had a very low passing rate. I sat in my Stats class the day after my miscarriage still cramping, heavily bleeding, and depressed trying to focus on this complicated material. Being nearly 10 years older than most of my classmates always made me feel out of place but dealing with this loss made me feel it way more. I look back now I wish I had a leave of absence to recover and rest.
The biggest thing was that no one close to me knew what was going on. I had no one to turn to and it felt very isolating. I had Brian to lean on, but he was dealing with his own emotions. I understand the reason behind not telling people until you are out of the first trimester, but I learned then that “people” should not be all encompassing. You should tell your home team. When I did tell my family and my close friends, they all had the same reaction that they wish they knew and would have been with me every step of the way. The month before a friend casually mentioned she had two miscarriages back to back. At the time I was surprised she told me something so personal, but now I understood that if you are comfortable it is necessary to talk about it and not be ashamed of it. She was the first person I wanted to talk to after I went through this loss because I knew she would understand and have advice. I had a hard time dealing with my grief because I know people that have been through worse losses or struggle with fertility. My aunt put things in perspective by telling me to stop downplaying my grief. Once I was able to work through my sadness and talk about the trauma, I started to feel better. I remember reading quotes and articles on Pinterest about pregnancy loss and there was a link of 100 celebrities that have experienced miscarriages. It made me realize that you don’t have to be a celebrity to be openly vulnerable and willing to tell your story to help others.
I had two menstrual periods and then a third and still didn’t feel ready to try. My hesitation was fear it could happen again and taking more time to feel “ready” to become a mother. Brian kept trying to convince me to try because he was worried the longer we waited the more I would put the idea on the backburner. Before our miscarriage it took us 5 months to get pregnant so it was also in the back of his head that it may take a few months of actively trying. I finally decided to put my fate in God’s hands, and we tried in May of 2018. My period was late a few weeks later and I felt very faint one night, so I took a pregnancy test, but it was negative. A week later I still didn’t get my period so my ovulation app was telling me it was time to take another pregnancy test because it may have been too early to take the first test. When the test was positive I was so excited, but later that night dread set in. I had anxiety that things could take a turn again and didn’t want to get my hopes up. I tried to stay positive, but this cloud was looming over me. I read a lot of about pregnancies after miscarriages and found that is common and understandable to have anxieties. I was sad because I wanted this to be joyful and exciting. I found out I was pregnant June 3rd and had my first prenatal visit on June 13th. My bloodwork and sonogram looked great and we got to hear the heartbeat. For some reason two days later I started spotting and expected the worst. I went back for an emergency visit and they decided to put me on pelvic rest which is no exercise, no sex, no climbing stairs, and no heavy lifting for a month. I took it easy, but the spotting continued throughout the month to the point where one day I passed a blood clot. I remember texting my best friend telling her that I knew I was going to have another miscarriage. I was so anxious, I was barely sleeping and felt like any moment this bubble was going to burst. I was constantly feeling my boobs because I remember when I had my miscarriage my boobs immediately stopped hurting. Any time I would feel a twinge of pain in my boobs it gave me a little hope. Plus, I had very bad morning sickness from week 7 on so I was hoping that meant a healthy pregnancy. Thankfully, mid-July the spotting stopped, and I had a healthy pregnancy that resulted in Violet. Not everyone has that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow story and I am extremely grateful for my circumstances.
