My first baby

Nearly 12 years ago I received a Miniature Dachshund as a Christmas gift and I learned the true meaning of unconditional love. I was 19 years old living on my own and Frank filled a hole in my heart and in my apartment. For many years it was just the two of us and I broke all the rules of dog training and we had no boundaries. Frank was 2 years old when I started dating my now-husband and as soon as Brian walked into my apartment Frank peed on his shoes. He had never displayed that kind of behavior. Instead of an alarm going off in my head telling me this dog is territorial and needs Cesar Millan, I thought it was a sign that Brian must not be “the one” or he was too tall and it was intimidating Frank. Brian quickly won Frank over with long walks and aggressive ear rubs and he was our baby throughout our relationship. Our lives revolved around the dog. We knew once we were home we didn’t like to go back out and leave Frank home alone again. We preferred to go places with outdoor seating because we could bring Frank and he was the ring bearer in our wedding. It wasn’t until we bought our house that we saw an aggressive shift in Frank’s behavior. We always lived in tiny apartments and rarely had visitors so once we were hosting often the dog became an issue. I had friends over with small children and Frank was aggressive and it really scared me because I could put my hand in his food bowl while he was eating and he would never even growl so I knew this was serious. The aggression was mixed with anxiety and it ruined every visit with my in-laws and niece. I felt out of control because I felt he would warm up if given the chance, but didn’t want to try it out on other people’s children. Frank had been around babies and small kids at other people’s houses, but there was a territorial issue in “his” house. Even if we were in the backyard he was fine, but as soon as we stepped indoors he snapped. For the first two years, we had no intentions of trying for a baby, but once we felt ready this problem was looming over us. Everyone kept reassuring me that it would be different when it was our baby and he would be protective over the baby. Once I was pregnant I convinced myself that things would work themselves out and that we would get over the hump. I tried the things people tell you to do, I had him lay around my belly and he even got a little kick from the baby and we sent home the blanket when she arrived so he can get used to the scent. What we really should have done was bring in a trainer. The first day home with Violet was hectic. A friend told me that whoever is “closer” to the dog should greet the dog and the other person should carry the baby. Brian and I argued about who was closer and eventually we settled on that Brian would greet the dog and I would carry V. At first Frank didn’t even notice her he was just happy to see us because we were gone for a few days. When we took her out of the car seat he jumped in it and was going nuts. Then we sat on the couch and he wasn’t so bad just anxious. He kept scaling the couch and hovering over us. I was so worried he was going to pounce on the baby. After a half-hour, he finally just laid on the couch, but wouldn’t take his eyes off of Violet. We felt like we were making progress and then visitors came over to see the baby and that made Frank crazier. He was jumping and barking and we had to put him in our kitchen. I felt that was making things worse because he wasn’t understanding why he was being pushed away. Frank had always been the priority and the baby. I was so tired and struggling breastfeeding that I couldn’t deal with the behavior issues so we asked my mother-in-law to take Frank for a few days while we settled in. This is another thing that I look back on now and realize that Frank wasn’t understanding why he was being taken from his home and staying somewhere else without us. What we thought would only be days ended up being weeks. Brian made it a point to visit Frank constantly and his mom took great care of him, but it made the postpartum period that much harder on me because I missed him and I had so much uncertainty about the future. We brought Frank back home and he was relentless. He would whimper, jump, run, and was obsessed with the baby and he never tired himself out. Things were worse than ever. We brought him to the Vet and were advised that CBD oil really helps with behavioral issues. We ordered it online and tried it at my mother-in-law’s house with the baby there and he was better. Not 100%, but there was hope. A week later we brought him home again and gave him the CBD oil. This time it didn’t make a difference and he had the runs all over my house. I was really in a bad place. I felt guilty, depressed, overwhelmed, and worried. I knew that we were headed towards giving him away. Anyone who knows me can attest that I was obsessed with this dog. I wished every year on my birthday when I blew out the candles that science would advance and that Frank could live longer. I have always dreaded him getting older and cried thinking that one day I would be mourning him. My grandmother came to visit for Violet’s Baptism and she saw the chaos that was going on. She had stayed at my house a few summers and was very close with Frank. To alleviate some stress she decided to book Frank an airline ticket to go back to North Carolina with her. We had briefly talked about it, but I think she knew that I wouldn’t be able to make that decision. I cried so much and I still have a really hard time dealing with it. Motherhood has been full of priorities shifts and changes and at times it’s really hard to accept the new norm. I know Frank is in the best hands and my grandparents needed him as much as we needed a solution. I have so much guilt that I ruined my dog. I treated him too much like a human and set him up for failure. I know deep down that I gave him so much love and he gave me my first taste of motherhood. I am writing this post on National Dog Day which has been exceptionally hard because I can’t remember a life without my dog. So many people have no idea we had to give Frank away and I worry that they think that we’ve forgotten about him now that we have Violet. Frank’s pawprint has left the biggest mark on my heart and my wish is to bring him back home when Violet is a little older. Then we’ll be the family I dreamed about as soon as I found out I was pregnant.